Pats and Giants trade touchdowns for most of the game, resulting in a tie of 140 points each with five minutes left in the 4th quarter. Madonna (Upset that Slash is, for the second year in a row, the best part of the halftime show. Let’s not kid ourselves, he will be there.) then runs on the field, takes the ball, sprouts wings, and flies away in the world’s biggest WTF moment. The Dallas Cowboys then hijack the airwaves and start bitching about how they’re “America’s Team*” and only THEY deserve to win the Super Bowl and all kinds of other BS.

*(Says a team representing a state that’s flown the flags of SIX different nations…)

NBC regains control of the airwaves, the commercials resume, the game is declared a draw, and everyone is happy.

So, this year’s Super Bowl winners: Doritos and Bud Light.